The Unconventional Guide to Baby Onesies
When it comes to showing off your newborn, nothing beats a Witty Onesie to tell the world that you had a baby, but you are still cool. And thus, by extension so is your child. But the world of Baby Onesies isn’t for the faint hearted. There are plenty of choices, and making the wrong decision could take your pride and joy from being the coolest kid this side of Pre-K, to just one of the pack. Not standing out may be good in a paintball match, but it’s unthinkable when it comes to your child.
But never fear, we are here to guide you through the process of finding that one perfect onesie worthy of the fruit of your loins. When it comes to onesies there are many categories. Music, Puns, Flirty (oddly enough), Borderline Kid Appropriate, Pictures, and the recently added Social Media Savvy. So, let’s look at each group so that we can ensure your kid stands out from the crowd.
When it comes to Puns, everyone loves puns. They just don’t want to admit it. And babies are ripe for puns. In fact, babies are right up there with bees and eggs when it comes to word play. The possibilities are endless. They are poopers and stinkers, and they often spit which rhymes with another four-letter word that adults like to toss around. They can be cutie pies, as in the food or math symbol. They can be tossed in with movie lines, like “You can’t handle the Tooth” or “Nobody puts Baby in a Corner”, okay that second one might not technically be a pun, but we’ll allow it, because Spit Happens. The pun category is pretty safe, so if you find yourself looking at onesies with puns, you probably won’t get yourself into too much trouble, so go nuts.
The next category is Playful. For example, “Of Course I’m Cute Have You Seen My Mom?” Just like the music themed onesie next, there is a needle you must thread. Not playful enough, and your kid is too vanilla. A fate that you should consider unthinkable! The “I’m a better than average looking child”, well no one is buying that future dust rag. But what there can be NO controversy over is that your child IS better looking than everyone else. And that’s a story that needs to be told…in the form of a onesie. Play this category safe and your child should be a hit at your next Playdate.
Our next category is Music, and you need be careful. You can’t buy your child a onesie with a mega band on it like U2 or The Beatles, but at the same time it must be a band that is recognizable. It can’t be pop or adult contemporary, think more along the lines of punk or funk. Also, if they weren’t around in the 80’s or 90’s, they are out. If it is anyone your child could even remotely know before the age of 12, they are also out. If they are British, you are getting warmer. Are they either an east coast or west coast band? That works too. Are they critically acclaimed? If yes, then you are getting colder. You want that band, with the name recognition, but that most of the country doesn’t know any of their songs. Has anyone in the band been arrested? If yes, excellent, if not well, you need to work on that. Is it gansta rap? Well then by all means yes. In short, Vanilla Ice, Sonic Youth, the Who, Sex Pistols, NWA…yes.
Borderline Kid Appropriate isn’t for novice parents. You may want to wade into this pool with your floaties on, or perhaps wait for that next kid when you have a few more years as a parent under your belt. And by that we mean, you are too tired to worry about being judged by anyone. The number one topic here is ironically better know as number two. You may have been told to not have a potty mouth at some point in your life, but whoever told you that wasn’t talking about your kid’s onesie! That’s a proverbial safehouse for bathroom humor. Can’t say I know why, but people seem to give it a free pass. So if you want to broadcast the latest happenings in your child’s diaper, go for it. Call them a poop factory, borrow from a song, think “Poops I did it again”. Say “$h1+! Happens…every time it’s my turn to change him apparently.” Have a field day. This kind of humor may not make the cut in your next work presentation, but your child’s onesie is fair game, so use it to show off that sick sense of humor, that used to be a liability, but is now an asset in the business of getting people to talk about your kid!
Next up, we have Social Media. We know your child can’t text, or have their own Instagram account, but that doesn’t mean we can’t slap a big old “OMG” across his or her chest! I mean after all; the onesie is only saying what everyone is thinking. Do you have a child who is on the run? Try a “TTYL” onesie. Just be careful with the social media. I’m sure a giant “Like” Thumbs up wouldn’t bother anyone, but draw the line at any onesie that’s asks people to swipe a certain direction. You’ll have plenty of time to deal with those issues once they are older.
And last, is the Picture Onesie. Funny sayings are great, but sometimes a picture can be worth a thousand words, like when it’s on a Baby Onesie. Picture onesies are the biggest category of all, a fact I lament knowing. But they are popular for a reason. They can be combined with puns, or any other previously mentioned onesie category. Why say your child’s a stinker when you can get a onesie that says, “I’m a little” and then instead of the word “stinker”, has a picture of a cartoon skunk? You want people to talk about your kid, then throw in a picture of a taco! Taco about Cute, or Taco about trouble, the possibilities are endless. Is your kid a Small Fry? Then why isn’t there a picture of fries on his onesie. Like puns this is also a safe category, but you want colorful pictures. You want that onesie to grab the eye, just like your baby grabs your keys.
Parenting is hard, these little guys and girls don’t come with instructions, but fortunately we are here to help you navigate the vast world of baby onesies. You just need to keep a couple things in mind. First, forget about whatever their future therapist says about you, this kid is a direct extension of you. You like Star Wars, hence now they must like Star Wars. You’ve been to Burning Man, so basically they have been too. Or, at the very least dress them as if they were extension of you. That’s rule number one, now rule number two. I know we’ve had a lot of diaper talk today so try not to giggle when I say number two, but the second rule is just like they say in comedy, always leave them laughing. Because the worse fate your child could have, other than them finding themselves in a situation where Liam Neeson must get them back, is to be average, and that isn’t going to happen under your watch! (Imagine a picture of a watch there).