Five Times Funny Baby Onesies Saved the World
You may or may not have realized that our history books have done a less than perfect job capturing the many complexities of our entire history. Though historians may disagree with these findings, we have done the ground work to make sure that the truth is now known, and the truth is that Funny Baby Onesies can and did in fact save the world. The following five stories help set the record straight on the five times they unbelievably did. History teachers, avert your eyes. . .
#1 - Egypt, a long, long time ago. The mother of Moses had just given birth to him, and she did not want her child killed on orders of Pharaoh, so she placed him in a basket and set him adrift in the Nile River. The basket gently floated down to where the Pharaoh’s daughter then found it. She felt sorry for the baby and adopted him as her own. And the rest is history… Well, that’s what the history establishment would like you to think anyway. The TRUE story is that the Pharaoh’s daughter found Moses and was going to turn him into the guards, until she saw his onesie that said “I Want my Mummy” and had a picture of a Pyramid on it. Pharaoh’s daughter then thought to herself, “this is the cutest and most adorable baby I’ve ever seen” and decided she wanted to keep him and raise him herself.
#2 - United States West of the Mississippi, 1805. Back in the days before MapQuest and Waze, the newly Independent United States was in its infancy and aching for a growth spurt, and President Thomas Jefferson was looking to feed that growth, but first he needed to scout out the lands of the west. Jefferson asks Captain Meriwether Lewis and Second Lieutenant William Clark to cross the North American Continent and report back their findings. They left St. Louis with the goal of heading west.
Now remember in those days, the west was completely foreign territory filled with Native Americans and wild animals, not to mention various other dangers, but a Shoshone Indian woman joined the expedition with her husband to help serve as guide and interpreter. This woman we now know today as Sacagawea, but Sacagawea wasn’t just traveling alone. On February 11, 1805, she gave birth to an adorable baby. Did this keep her from traveling west? Of course not, she strapped that kid to her back and continued to serve the expedition bravely.
There were many times when Lewis and Clark were confronted by hostile natives but travelling with Sacagawea and her child gave them “land cred” with the locals. In fact, many times tensions were broken by the site of her baby’s onesie that read “Sioux Cute,” “Fearless enough to change my diaper, now that’s what I call a Brave,” or “Pretty Eyes & Ho-Chunky Thighs.” And everyone would laugh & laugh and the party would be allowed to pass through.
Eventually Lewis and Clark reached the Pacific and opened up the American West, which led to the USA being the world power that it is today. However, this NEVER would have happened it if wasn’t for Sacagawea and her great taste and creativity in Funny Onesies.
#3 - Kill Devil Hills North Carolina, 1903. Orville and Wilbur Wright were two brothers who owned a bicycle shop in Ohio, but they wanted more. They both had an interest in flying, but up until that point, the only flying done was with gliders, but they knew they could take aviation to the next level if they continued to work hard.
They designed and flew gliders, but gliders back then were anything but safe. The brothers were about to give up, until one day a mother walked into their Dayton Ohio bike shop. In her arms was a young baby wearing a onesie that said, “Powered by gas, Fueled by Fun.”
The brothers took that onesie as a sign that engine powered flight was possible, and they were the ones who were going to do it. On December 17, 1903, their “gas powered” plane made history, and the world has never been the same since. Gas powered flight was accomplished all because of an inspirational baby onesie. Remember this history lesson the next time it takes you just 6 hours to get from New York to Los Angeles.
#4 – Cuba, October 1962. John F. Kennedy is facing the toughest test of his young presidential career as the Khrushchev of the Soviet Union places nuclear missiles on the communist island country of Cuba located just 90 miles from the U.S. Mainland. In response the U.S. orders a blockade of the island and demands that the Soviets remove the missiles. The world holds its breath for 13 days as the countries stand on the brink of nuclear war.
While planning his next move, Khrushchev walks the streets of Moscow. While passing through the marketplace he sees a mother and baby. The baby is wearing a onesie with the phrase “Droppin’ bombs in my diaper, all day long.” The onesie instantly thaws Khrushchev’s heart and he decides to withdraw his missiles from Cuba. War is adverted and fortunately for all, the only bombing Russian and American babies still do, is in their diapers.
#5 – Korean Peninsula, 2017 to Present Day. Tensions between North Korea and…well everyone else in the free world, are coming to a peak. The North’s Leader continues to rapidly expand his nuclear arsenal, testing missiles capable of carrying a nuclear warhead. Unlike previous tests however, this missile has the capability to put the entire continental US within range of a nuclear strike.
Meanwhile the US and South Korea are planning their military exercise in the event that a war between the two Korea’s and the United States comes to fruition.
As fate would have it, the 2018 Winter Olympics are held in South Korea, and the North agrees to participate with the South. While watching his North Korean athletes on state sponsored television, the North’s Leader catches a glimpse of a Korean baby wearing a onesie with the phrase “Give Peas a Chance” with a picture of peas in the shape of a Peace Sign. The North’s Leader laughs hysterically, pauses and thinks, maybe that kid’s onesie is right. Not about the peas, they are disgusting, but about giving Peace a Chance. The North agrees to open talks about denuclearizing the peninsula.
So there you have it, don’t let anyone say any different. Baby Onesies have saved the world several times over, and will continue to do so, as long as strong & responsible parents continue to use them to make others love, laugh, smile, everyday.
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